I might be a bit over-dramatic because it could be a lot worse than it is. Some people out there have a real problem and need actual help. Still, this is a big problem for me right now, and I am telling myself that it is okay because I am fighting this depression in the most unhealthy ways with booze and shopping.
I had never had this problem before. Sure, I am a member of Amazon Prime and have purchased stuff online from time to time in the past. Since moving to Los Angeles and this depression has hit me full force, I cannot keep myself from buying crap online. All. The. Time.
Don't get me wrong, I am a consumer. I always have been, but not to this extent.
I spent the better part of my early 20s buying crap that I really didn't need. I was that girl who would go to Target every week - you never know if you need something from Target. Good lord. I know I am not the only one out there visiting Target weekly. There has got to be something in the air at Target - they pump it in, and we need to come back weekly for it. But still, what are we thinking? How much crap from Target does a girl need?
I don't know if all this consumption was a need to feel like an adult after college, but buying stuff sure did help you feel like one. Purchasing all that stupid kitchen gadget crap helped fill that adult hole, along with all that weird outdoorsy/backyard equipment that we just might need, someday. I still have a cooler that I truly thought we needed because adults have coolers. We have only used it once.
I also spent a bunch of time trying out hobbies - and buying all the hobby supplies to go along with it, all new of course. I thought I would totally be into a hobby. Yeah, right. Again, I think it's some weird void that we need to fill. To have some sort of purpose to life. To keep us busy so we don't realize how much life truly sucks. So, before people start having kids and having these little humans occupying their time, they pick out some hobbies to busy themselves with in the meantime.
I, myself, tried sewing, kitting, crafting small pillow animals, painting, collageing and baking/cooking. Basically if it looked like it was something a Midwestern white girl would do from Pinterest, I was going to try it out.
Soon, I began to accept that fact that I am not a crafter/hobbier. I do not have a room in my home devoted to crafting, nor will I ever. When I thought I was going to be a crafter, I would go to Michael's or Hobby Lobby or JoAnn Fabrics and stock up on my supplies for my newest crafting venture. Then that shit would just sit in some random corner of our apartment, mocking me and my lazy ass.
It wasn't until I was in my 30s when I began to embrace my TV and movie watching, book reading, and drinking type of indoor-girl lifestyle. I don't need to craft. I don't need an entire room dedicated to my failed hobby attempts. And really, does anyone need a crafting room? When I look back at my crafting wannabe days, I think of just how shitty all that stuff looked. I get that crafts are things to occupy one's time, but I guess I prefer books and movies.
But I digress and I will some more.
In our 30s, the husband and I began to purge, slowly. I got rid of a lot of my shit, the husband on the other-hand is a bit of a horder so it was a tad harder on his end. Along the way I stopped shopping. I didn't need to go to Target once a week. And when we realized that we were going to make this move to Los Angeles, we knew that our living situation was going to change. We knew we were going to start out in a studio apartment. Thus, we began the big purge.
We got rid of pretty much everything. And it felt good. We didn't need to hold on to some old floppy disks. Hell, I don't know how we could look at what is on the old floppy disks. We had shit like that and it all needed to go.
But now I cannot stop shopping. Amazon has been my best friend. I feel like every week I need to buy something from them. I can't stop clothes shopping too. I do not need more clothes. We do not have the room or money for this lifestyle. Hell, I don't even have a job that requires me to wear nice clothes. I don't know if it is a void I am trying to fill but I feel like it is. Knowing that I have something waiting for me at my doorstep every night can get me through the day. I need to stop.
All I can think about now is how I want to buy a little radio. A radio! We do not need a radio. When we are in the car we don't even listen to the radio. But all I can think about is how I want one. I think, wouldn't it be nice to listen to the radio sometime. Good lord. Someone help me. Even as I sit here writing this, I pop onto Amazon and look at little radios. Why?
I know I am trying to fill a void that is inside of me. I just wish I could find something else to fill it with. Something a bit more healthy. Maybe like a hobby.
P.S. - I'll never stop using Amazon Prime, ever.