How are you Feeling?

Really feeling?
Me? Not so great.
I'm all over the place these days--or in all actuality, these past few years. Goddess help us all or at least the hubs.

Job Hunting and the Pains it Brings

I sit here crying and it's pathetic. I'm nearly 40 and I'm crying in bed because I didn't get a job.

I'm Baaaaack!

No, but really. I'm back.

My Addiction to Online Shopping

I might be a bit over-dramatic because it could be a lot worse than it is. Some people out there have a real problem and need actual help. Still, this is a big problem for me right now, and I am telling myself that it is okay because I am fighting this depression in the most unhealthy ways with booze and shopping.

What's My Story?

I do not know what I am doing.

I do not have a plan for life.

I am confused. Sad. Scared. Unlike the fun inspirational saying, this wanderer is fucking lost. 

That One Time I Nearly Lost My Mind

So I don't know if y'all have realize that the husband and I had made this big move last year. You surely had to have noticed, right?

Ha! I kid. 

What to Expect When You're Expecting to Live in Los Angeles. Part 1.

Since the husband and I have one year of living in Los Angeles under our belt, I thought it would be nice to compose a post - or actually a few posts - about what it's like living here for us, so far. This is specific to us and what we've taken from this city, but I think it might be of some use to someone out there. Since this will be a series, it will be ever-changing and updated. As long as I am here and writing, you'll get the lowdown on living in Los Angeles. The pressure is on.

It is official. One year down.

So, we made it. One year down.

That One Time We Move to Los Angeles

The big idea was to sell most of our stuff and just keep the essentials -- books, CDs, records, kitchen equipment, clothes, an air mattress and two chairs -- packing up said essentials into a small U-Haul and drive out West.

In the beginning stages of our plan, we were going to buy a second car that could tow a U-Haul because our Honda Civid Hybrid would not do the job. A brother proposed that he might help us with our move using his SUV as the towing vehicle. A date was set; we put in our notices at work and at our apartment and kissed the city of Austin good bye. That was the extent of our plan to move to Los Angeles.

For months we told our friends and family of our plan of packing and moving. We had no jobs lined up. We had no apartment lined up. The plan was to just go. Everyone we told thought we were crazy. How could we do something this big without any sort of plan? I told everyone that we did have a plan, move to Los Angeles. It was the only plan we needed. 

We were crazy.

We packed our shit. I got overwhelmed, per usual. I wasn't ready for when our caravan members arrived; a mom, a dad, and a brother. We had a tight schedule to follow. People had lives to get back to; we had lives to start. 

We left Austin on July 5th. With the help of our caravan, we packed up two SUV's, a Honda Civic Hybrid and a U-Haul trailer. The drive to Los Angeles was pretty uneventful in a good way. No cars died on us, no people broke down in an emotional puddle of tears (I'm talking about myself). We just had a transmission scare that was solved by having a second SUV that could hitch the U-haul. Thank heaven for parents.

We arrived in Los Angeles after a couple of days on the road. Put our crap into storage and stayed in an Airbnb. We did some sight seeing with the parents, then we were on our own. The husband and I moved into a smaller Airbnb. The plan was to stay in this Airbnb for a week and find an apartment and start our new lives. That did not go according to plan. Life never goes as expected, right? 

The whole apartment searching scene in Los Angeles is crazy. If you aren't accustomed to this crazy process, it can be a bit overwhelming for the first-time renter. We sat in our little Airbnb and looked at places online, calling and messaging complexes about apartments. We got virtually no response back.

Since we only had a week, we became desperate. Finally we saw a listing that had an open house. We went right at the beginning of the open house, looked at the studio apartment and said we would take it. The only catch was we couldn't move in until the beginning of August. AUGUST! We had three weeks to kill until we could officially move to Los Angeles.

What were we going to do?

I do think we could have done our apartment search differently. I wish we would have driven around more and called about apartments instead of relying solely on internet listings. The whole process was overwhelming*.  I can't believe this city really doesn't have apartment locator services -- sure they have Westside Rentals, a place that just takes your money and throws you to the apartment hunting wolves. I understand the urban sprawl can make it difficult, but really Los Angeles, come on.

*This post brought to you by our sponsor: the word "overwhelming." I get overwhelmed, and I was overwhelmed. I am OVERWHELMED!

Now, we are living in the world's smallest studio apartment. I know, I am being dramatic. I know people in New York, Paris and London have smaller studio apartments. When you are sharing this space with a second person, things can get tight. Especially when we are coming from a two bedroom townhouse apartment. Where can I go to weep silently without someone watching or judging me? Where can I get my "alone" time?

If I felt like we hadn't grown up before, I sure as hell do now. We don't even have a proper bed, we just have an air mattress. We have no room to get a proper bed. It's like I am reliving my college years all over again.

Our location is pretty great thought. I think for knowing very little about this city in general, we did do a good job at picking our location. It's just too bad we don't have parking. Ugh, parking. That is a whole other story.

XO

The Big Move West: Or How The West Was Won.

So we moved.

"What?" you ask. "I thought you were dead."

No, no, no. I am not dead. I am still here. I have had moments of utter total breakdown, but I am still here. Barely.

I am well aware that I have this little corner in the blogosphere and that I have ignored it successfully for over a year now. I do have this tiny annoying voice in my head reminding me that my audience awaits for my return, but I just ignore it. It's what I do best. However, I don't think I can ignore it any longer.

I'm here now. Better late than never, right?

Like I mentioned earlier, we moved, the husband and I. It's been a little over 11 years since last we did something like this--something where we just up and move with a little plan and all of our crap whittled down to just our essential items and a small nest egg in savings.

"Are we crazy?" you ask. YES!

The first time the husband and I did a move like this I was a year (he was two years) out of college, and we craved a change.

I grew up in the Upper Midwest and I met my husband at an Upper Midwestern university.

After college we dicked around a bit, trying to "find ourselves" (it's quite pathetic, but I am still trying to find myself, and it is annoying). While all our friends were getting married and thinking of the "bigger picture"--a house, car payments, 401Ks, and babies--we just wanted to enjoy our twenties. We were in no hurry whatsoever to get married and finally tied the knot after 15 years together.

We did not want our lives to be the typical Midwestern story, starting off at an entry-level desk job with the potential of moving up the corporate ladder to another crappy desk job all so we could make a bunch of money to buy that house in the suburbs and start that family.

There is nothing wrong with that life. It just wasn't something we wanted.

We made a list of some cities that we thought would be fun to live in. I liked Portland, Oregon or Boulder, Colorado. The husband liked those cities, and he added Austin, Texas to the list.

I was hesitant about Austin because it was in Texas. TEXAS! But the husband threw me in a car, and we road tripped to the second Austin City Limits Music Festival. I fell in love. The decision was made, Austin, Texas was our town. We packed up two cars and drove through the night. We had become Texans, y'all.

This isn't our first rodeo. We have done this before, a move like this. But everything has changed.

I might still be in shock. We moved to Los Angeles, California. Oh, boy! We are no longer in the small* Central Texas town. Our cocoon, our security blanket. We had lived in Austin for over 11 years. Austin had treated us well.

*Austin's growth the past 11 years has been outrageous. When we first moved to Austin, it was a cute "little" college town. Now it is a sprawling city, and its essence is slowly being destroyed. I could go on and on about Austin, but not today. These are my personal thoughts on Austin, and many would disagree, but I am allowed to have my opinions.

Now, we are well into our 30's. What are we thinking?

Unlike our move to Austin 11 years ago, this move to Los Angeles comes with a tiny plan.

When we moved to Austin, there was no plan. We just showed up on Austin's front door (we did have an apartment lined up on South Lamar, something we did not have before moving to Los Angeles). 11 years ago we had a tiny nest egg; today we have a bit more. When we arrived in Austin, all we needed to do was find jobs. Cost of living was cheap, and we were 23-year-olds without a care in the world.

Now, everything is different. I keep on repeating myself, but EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED.

Are we crazy? YES.

Can we do this? I am not sure.

Will I be here to write about it? I think I can manage it. We'll see.

I haven't worked in over 2 months, I'm hoping I'll find the time.

XO

wanderlust

the other day while at work a few of us were talking about travel. where we have been and where we might like to go. it had been slow at work so we'd all been doing some daydreaming. which i LOVE to do, it's one of my favorite pastimes but can also be extremely dangerous because it usually ends up with me telling the mister "i have an idea." this happens to be his most feared phrase uttered from me. my ideas are usually so amazing, he just doesn't get them. oh, i kid y'all.

i know that i have been very lucky and have traveled quite a lot. i've been to Germany twice, Ireland, Scotland, England, the Netherlands, Belgium and France and all over the US - not 48 States like the mister but still enough to count as "all over." i am not some experienced traveler by any means. you know those people. they have the one backpack and $10 to their name and are able to travel the world for like 6 months alone (i know you can't travel all over the world with only $10 for 6 months, it's called sarcasm.) that traveler is just not me, but boy do i envy them so much. i just can't do it. i've done my time in a 20 person hostel - which was an adventure - but something i can't do at 35. i am someone who has seen more of the world than your average person. so, since that conversation at work, the travel bug has bitten me.

the weekend after tying the knot, the mister and i had spent time with our friends and family who were in town for the wedding. while we were all boozed up we started talking about who we need to visit and where we want to go. for some reason, it felt like we had won the lottery. we were in some kind of hazy high where we felt like we had all this money, so we decided that we were going to travel the world. well, the honeymoon ended, and now that we are still paying off our wedding the realization of our many travel plans aren't realistic. well, right now they aren't. i'm not saying we will never travel again because that would be a lie. the travel bug is being very annoying right now.

our (or my) list of places we would like to go:
Iceland
Mexico City
New Zealand
Japan
Thailand
back to Paris
Portland, Oregon
Hawaii
Maine
some beach resort where all i do is lay on the beach drinking and reading

where in the world would you like to go?

i am a big advocate of travel. i hate it when people talk about how they want to travel but can't. either they don't have the money or lack the time. it's just excuses. the mister and i would rather travel and rack up some credit card debt than stay put and work on paying off credit cards. because let's be honest, we will always have credit card debt. it's a cruel tango of one step forward and two steps back. you just have to realize that life is too short. i would rather have some debt than not see the world because it's a pretty amazing place.

i know it can be hard to travel if you don't have a travel partner. i have always traveled with someone and couldn't imagine traveling without someone - thank you mister. but maybe that should be a goal of mine, to travel once alone. the mister has done it a few times, he is way much cooler then me. [this would be the part of the post where the mister would speak up, insisting that i am the world's worst traveler, and he has the most horrible times traveling with me - that he should have the honor of sainthood bestowed upon him for putting up with me and the misery i bring onto him when we travel.] i don't know why he continues to travel with me?

so let's do this. let's start planning our next trip. fuck money and credit card debt. we've got places to see and people to meet. xoxo.

hello, are you still there?

it's been a while, and i am still here.

are you excited? i'm super stoked.

actually, i have had a very busy 8 months. no i did not have a baby - do you guys even know me? - but i did have a few major events happen that took up a great deal of my time. so instead of trying to come up with some kind of balance in my life, i just freaked the fuck out and ignored this corner of the internet. too much to do and not enough life skills to help me tackle the ever-important ability to balance the many life events that are in one's life. you know, the basic, living kind of stuff.

so you ask, what has happened? the boy and i got hitched. we did it. but a few months before our big day the mister and i decided to spend all our savings - a savings that should have been used on our wedding - and embarked upon a trip to Amsterdam, Paris, and Brussels. you know where our priorities lie.

now that things have calmed the fuck down, i've been staring at this blog for some time. just eyes glazed over staring at this blank blogger post page with the cursor just blinking at me, mocking and judging me. it's time to shit or get off the pot, so here i am. and i changed up the design to make it look less like a boy-crazy-thirteen-year-old-girl's blog and more like a fifteen-year-old-girl-who-is-trying-to-be-an-adult's blog.

we'll see where this road leads us. xoxo.

my lack of self-discipline and how it's ruining my life

oh self-discipline, how i miss thee.

all summer, i've been telling myself how i want to write more on this blog. or how i want to walk more or exercise (at all) when i get home from work. or how i want to take it easy on the ice cream because two helpings of ice cream a day will certainly kill me. or how i want to read more because i am extremely behind on my reading goal for this year. my list of wants goes on and on, yet i've accomplished nothing. 

i keep on blaming my lazy life on being just that, lazy. i keep thinking to myself that maybe i'm even a little bit depressed. sure, i had a small bout of depression in January but i feel like i got over that in the spring. i keep telling myself that surly this inability to accomplish anything is a side effect of being depressed; again. but i'm not feeling depressed. work is going surprisingly well, my personal life is kicking some ass -- an upcoming European vacation and a winter wedding in the works -- it all has kept me occupied and happy. so if i'm not depressed, why can't i get shit done?

then it dawned on me. i have no self-discipline. none.

where i used to have self-discipline oozing out of my pores, i now have none. maybe i spent all of the self-discipline i built when i was an athletic teen. years and years of schooling followed by after-school activities and sporting teams. years and years of coaches and teammates, of someone depending on me. followed then by years of college and having to get shit done -- even if i was less dedicated, i still had teachers to impress and grades to be earned. but since i've been out of school and on my own for the past 13ish years, all the self-discipline that i'd built up is gone. i would say that this last year i used up the last bit of it. 

now i am desperate to re-teach myself self-discipline -- when i was learning it in my youth through sports and schooling i didn't think i really knew what i was learning and how useful of a tool it would be. the other day i did the whole google search thing; searching "self-discipline" and "learning self-discipline". i came across a lot of people in the same boat as me. who'd have thunk it? a few of the web articles i scanned -- because i don't have time to actually read these articles -- linked happiness to people having self-discipline. so right there, my idea of being depressed could be nipped in the bud with some self-discipline. i just blow my mind sometimes.

one helpful web article i came across from the blog Penelope Trunk suggested that if i have self-discipline in one small area of my life it will create a snowball effect and could lead to being discipline in other areas of my life. for some reason that advice just clicked for me. it totally makes sense.

i have a goal. it is to go on a walk everyday after work. something small and simple. if i want to jog, i can, but this is just a simple walk. i notice that this walk then gets the gears going in my life. usually on my walks, i come up with ideas that i either walk to blog about or ideas for stories. and this walk helps with exercise and my eating choices. i can see the snowball effect. love it!

up until now, my life has been in shambles -- it sounds melodramatic and really hasn't been that bad; but when you get complacent in areas of your life where you never thought you wanted to be, you just kind of give up. these past few years have been a long period of me giving up. i'm in a job that i enjoy but has no forward progress -- or the movement forward available is not where i want to go -- and i know that at some point i wont be able to physically do my job anymore. i kind of painted myself into a corner, and it's scary. but realizing i want to do something else gives hope. unfortunately having the discipline to go after it is hard to find, especially if you've lost said self-discipline.

whoa. i just went really heavy. i got to bring this back to something light.

so, let's just work on walking. every day after work. easy. i can do it. xoxo.          

(photos taken from around my apartment)

teenaged food issues while in my thirties

let's talk food, a favorite topic for mine. 

actually, let's talk binge eating. NOT a favorite topic of mine because i have some issues with food.

i've always had a "healthy" appetite. growing up i was an athlete and very active so i had a high metabolism and could pack away the food. it was amazing. it felt great to eat and eat and not put on a pound and still be "skinny". i always thought i ate a lot because i had to keep my energy up for all the activities i was involved with. but it seems that i have feelings that go along with overeating. oh boy! 

my eating habits and food issues seem to run deeper than i realize, and i'm finally figuring this shit out. good lord, i can't believe it's taken me this long to connect the dots. i should've put two and two together from my post about over eating on National Doughnut Day. but that's what i do, i over eat and don't think twice about it. i've always been okay with that philosophy, just ignore the problem. 

all my food issues are starting to catch up with me and my mid-thirties body. i should've realized this 10 years ago when we first moved to Austin. it's about time that i caught on to this. when we first moved here i was amazed by all the food options, especially the late night ones. back home, the 24 hour fast food restaurant didn't really exist. so after closing time we just went home, or if you were really hungry you could go to so some sit down restaurant (Perkins, Country Kitchen) but who wants to do that while drunk and tired because someone always passes out in the bathroom. i could just go home and make a box of Velveeta Shells and Cheese and devour the entire thing by myself.

for the past 10 years i packed on the pounds. tex-mex, bbq, fast food and beer is what's done me in, and my emotional state is the offender. at first i was emotional because of the move and living in a new city and state and having to make new friends and knowing no one -- only the boy. it's a lot harder than one would imagine making new friends (especially when i'm an introvert homebody). when that's followed by years of just having a good time and living like a teenager, it catches up with you. 

now i am in my thirties and my emotions are all over the place and this year, THIS YEAR has been a test of my convictions -- it's been a year of extreme lows and highs because some very good stuff has happened this year too. so for the past few months i've been binge eating and out of all the food options i have out there to binge on, i've chosen fast food (McDonald's is my main go-to). ugh! my stomach wants to kill me now because fast food, and my stomach and i never really got along in the first place. so now World War Three is taking place in my stomach, and i think i might die.

basically i need to get my shit together.    

        

the perils of natural deodorant

i'll just come out and say it, natural deodorants suck!

they're a pain in the ass to apply. they don't stop you from sweating like regular old deodorant because of the whole antiperspirant/aluminum thing, and they make you smell like a hippie -- who usually don't smell too bad *wink*. but smelling like patchouli or the Earth or whatever isn't what i want to smell like when i'm sweating.

i understand that people choose to wear natural deodorants, and i understand the health benefits from that choice because i am someone who wears natural deodorants due to fact that i can't handle the aluminum in deodorants/antiperspirants. and it sucks! have i stressed how much i think this sucks? my armpit swells up like a balloon and becomes very tender. it's just uncomfortable.

i know what you're all thinking, natural deodorant can't be that bad? if i weren't lazy, i guess it wouldn't be. sadly i am lazy, and i hate applying natural deodorants. the ones that work well usually consist of some block-o-something that you rub into your armpit and then topped of with a powder that you sprinkle on. ugh, the powder. that's what drives me crazy the most if i were to pinpoint my frustrations with going the natural route. i usually end up getting that shit all over my bra or the floor or on my pants/legs -- anywhere but my actual armpit. our bathroom is covered in a light dusting of powders due to my deodorants and the boy's Gold Bond that he applies EVERYWHERE.

i'm at a point where i am okay with the whole sweating thing. it's something we do. it took me a long time to except the fact that people sweat. having grown up in the North, i always felt that sweating was a sign of weakness. you didn't want to sweat, and we very rarely did. but now that i am living in the South, i've realized that that's just my bullshit thinking and we all sweat. i do think it's funny when my family from the North visits during the summer months, and they just can't handle the sweat. i'm like, "get over it y'all."

i've been dying to try some recipes that i've come across online (Pintrest) for some homemade natural deodorant, but i just don't have the time or patience for that. the best natural deodorant that i've used and am using now is by Lush. it's a good product by a good company, so no complaints here -- well i have some issues with the price, but that's because i am cheap as fuck, but i'll get over it.

i use the Aromaco Deodorant Bar -- and yes it smells like patchouli so hello hippie pits -- and then i sprinkle the Greeench Deodorant Powder up in there. i usually like the Coconut Deodorant Powder, but when i went into the store, they were all out of the Coconut so they steered me to the Greeench. i think i would go back to the Coconut again because i like the beachy smell better, but they both do the job.

anyone go the natural route?

i've done the Tom's of Maine deodorant and wasn't a fan. i've also used Kiss My Face Liquid Rock Roll On, and it's okay. if i'm in a pinch, i'll buy the Kiss My Face deodorant, but it doesn't do so well when i stress sweat. for now i'll be using my Lush deodorant even thought it's a pain in the ass. xoxo.

adult troublesome pain-in-the-butt ACNE

let's talk about acne -- i don't really want to talk about acne, but someone's got to have the adult acne problems in this relationship and that person is me. ugh.

boy, do i hate acne. for as long as i can remember, i've been plagued with acne. i had it in high school and well into my twenties. however, the closer i got to my thirties, the more my skin started to mellow out. i thought to myself that i did it, i defeated the evil that is acne. i waltzed into my thirties with just a blemish here or there, nothing too big that could freak me out. then, all of a sudden, this past year my acne has come back full force -- not as bad as when i had it in high school, but bad enough to curse the gods. curses!

i was told promised while in my teens that my skin would get better and by the time i was well into adulthood i would no longer have acne. but they all lied, every single one of them.

now i am trying to revamp my skin care regimen, and it's quite difficult. there are so many products out there these days that i don't know where to begin -- i am totally lost. i am that person you see at Target just staring at all that face products not moving or making a sound. it's pathetic. and i am on a limited budget, so that throws a wrench into this depressing process. i don't have hundreds to spend on facial products y'all, i am poor!

so where to begin? i have no clue. there is way too much out there.

i am in my thirties. i have acne. and to top it off, i now have wrinkles to deal with. WRINKLES! where did they come from? this getting old thing is no bueno.

the list of products:

• i had been using Cetaphil for years until recently. it had worked just fine. i liked it. it was gentle and it did a decent job cleaning my face. but then the acne came back.
• Neutrogena. i could keep this business afloat with the amount of facial products i've purchased from them. i'm using the Oil-Free Acne Stress Control wash and the Fresh Foaming Cleanser right now. both are okay, but haven't hit me in that sweet spot. then of course there is the Oil-Free Moisture, which i've been using for a very long time. 
• i've added Aveeno's Clear Complexion Daily Moisturizer because of the salicylic acid, which is what i need to fight acne i hear.  
• at night i've added a night creme by Neutrogena as well, because i've got to start fighting the wrinkles too now.

nothing seems to be really working, at least not yet. i guess i should give this crap a chance to work, right? i'm super close to just throwing in the towel and just getting Proactiv, people seem to be pleased with that stuff. and with all of my years of battling acne, i've never tried the stuff. what works for y'all?

now i just have to remember to wash my face at night before bed. that would probably help me out tremendously. i just have to get my lazy butt out of bed -- because i crawled into bed at around 7:30pm to "watch" TV or "read" a book (which really means to fall asleep then). we'll see what i can accomplish.  

the life of a sugar addict: National Doughnut Day 2013

last Friday celebrated the day all sugar addicts devour, National Doughnut Day -- which was on June 7th of this year because it's celebrated on the first Friday in June, who knew?

i am a sugar addict! i never thought my addiction was truly that bad until National Doughnut Day.

i've always had a sweet tooth, it's no secret. ever since i can remember i've always needed something sweet; candy or ice cream or cake or brownies. my weakness would have to be candy or ice cream, but if we're being honest, i'll take anything.

when i was in high school, a friend of mine would sell this generic candy for a fundraiser for her diving team -- she became my candy dealer while at school. i sat next to her in computer class during second period, and i would buy up all the candy bars she was selling. then i would sit back in class and eat candy bar after candy bar until all that i bought from her were gone. good lord, i had the metabolism of a god back in high school. where did that go?

when i lived at home, my mother and i made the perfect team when it came to sugar and sweets. i am a batter eater and my mother is a brownie nut. i would come home from school or work and whip up a batch of brownies and then go to town on the brownie batter. i would usually eat enough batter to where i would have to make a smaller pan of brownies because i ate half of the brownie dough.

good lord i love ice cream. i usually have a hard time just eating one helping of ice cream. with my 1/2 gallon of Blue Bell sitting in the freezer, i usually have one helping in the afternoon when i get home from work and then top off my night with another helping. i'll go through ice cream phases, too. for a while, i've been all over plain vanilla topped off with Oreos that i smashed to bits. think Amy's Ice Cream -- or Cold Stone Creamery for all you non Austinites. before the Oreo phase, i couldn't get enough of strawberry shakes. before that i needed hot fudge sundaes. god, what i wouldn't give for a hot fudge sundae from Dairy Queen right now.

at present, my day job is working in a bakery. when i got this job, i remember telling my mother and her response was, "now do you really think that's a good idea for someone like you to be working in a bakery?" and i was all like "hell yeah!" what most people don't realize is that working in a bakery isn't the same as stopping by one to browse and look at all the desserts and cakes. working in a bakery has actually made me hate a lot of sweets -- i'm talking about you cheesecakes -- and i didn't think that was possible. when i make vanilla butter cream icing in bulk, it's not as fun as when i am playing with food at home.

so, back to National Doughnut Day.

i came home from work with the worst sugar overdose, trying to figure out what to eat that could bring me down from my sugar high. i never thought that in a million years i would say "i am craving a salad" but after a sweet (pun intended) co-worker decided to bring to work some assorted doughnuts to celebrate National Doughnut Day, i might concede to the fact that i am addicted to sugar. when i was looking at all the different doughnut flavors i wanted desperately to try each one. then i thought to myself that if i only try a quarter of a doughnut, i won't eat that much. after sampling 10 different doughnuts and then going back and eating more of the doughnuts that i really liked, my poor middle-aged body just couldn't take all the sugar.

and then i wanted to go and vomit.  

it will take me a few weeks to get over my doughnut binge -- which is nice right now because when i go to the grocery store i don't buy my doughnut treat, but i'm sure i'll get over it quickly. i can't stay mad at sugar forever.

musings of a lost part-time blogger

so, here i am staring at this blank Blogger page trying to figure out exactly what i want to do with this little blog of mine. we could even go so far as to ask, "what the fuck do i want to do with the rest of my life?" UGH! i guess i am still trying to figure some things out. i really thought by the time i was in my mid-thirties this shit would be all sorted, but i guess that is a "perk" of being an unmarried-childless-middle-aged women; you get to spend all your time obsessing about yourself.

when i first approached this blogging adventure, i thought "what the heck. i can do this, easy peasy!" but then reality set in, and i thought, "holy fuck, i have no idea what i want to do." -- actually, that statement has totally turned into my life motto: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WANT TO DO!!! so instead, i just sit on the couch and stare endlessly at the tv.

i am writing this because i am going to try a different approach. initially, i was just going to write about little things here or there. mainly things about movies or tv or books -- my three favorite hobbies, which suggests that i am a hardcore homebody and to that i say, "fuck yes." recently i've run into a bit of a wall and have realized that i cannot keep up with my tv, movie, or book commentary. basically, in the overall scheme of internet blogs, you could throw the proverbial rock two inches and hit a blog dedicated to some girl's ramblings about movies, tv and books. so why would anyone be interested in what i have to say about said items, especially when i can't keep up with my own tv shows (i.e. Project Runway)? i still have to watch the finale of that damn show.

my goal -- which i am going to try very hard to keep -- is that i'm going to try to be more personal. i know, i know, i never really wanted this blog to be a personal journal because i am a very private person, but as time has passed and the i've reflected more upon what i want to do with this blog, i came to the realization that i want to get personal with y'all (for my 10-ish readers). what draws me to my favorite blogs is their personal nature, which feeds quite well into the fact that i love being a voyeur. i know i tease these perfect lifestyle blogs, but it's because i love them some much. it comes down to having a connection with someone versus reading something stale and generic.

let's see where this road takes us. your safety is not guaranteed. i am lazy and a procrastinator, so i'm not sure what we should expect, but a girl's gotta have goals. since i am a homebody and an introvert, my adventures outside of the home are pretty close to nil. i'm okay with that, but i'm not sure you are. so hang in there, and greatness is sure to follow. ha!

xoxo

* i have a bit of an obsession with drawing stick figures.

the boob tube: Project Runway s11 e12

let's just jump right into this one.

*spoilers!

this episode started with the "to be continuned..." moment and Michelle's future hanging in limbo. but really, what was Project Runway going to do? if they wanted Michelle eliminated, she would've been gone, and the show would move on to the last round. now that i am thinking back, this saved Michelle because the judges have faith in her. the last challenge wasn't Michelle's best, but just in the way that she didn't follow the directions well. Patricia should have been the designer sent home. i'm glad they didn't send either ladies home because i really, really want to see what Patricia can produce with more time and money just as i want to see a collection from Michelle. so, Michelle is saved for now -- but we all really know her fate.

like i said last post about Project Runway, the designers are going to Europe. i think it's a "thank you" prize for the last designers for having to put up with working in teams the entire competition. they made it this far, now we are going to send you to Europe (just for a day). so each designer is being sent to a different European city as well as a little helper, and their helper has been switched around again. i think this was for Patricia because she cannot work with Richard anymore. her Richard quota hit its limit.

the pairs are:
Layana and Samantha - Barcelona, Spain
Patricia and Kate - Paris, France
Daniel and Amanda - Berlin, Germany
Stanley and Richard - London, England
Michelle and Tu - New York

when the designers heard where they were going they freaked the fuck out. Patricia was as giddy as a school girl (perhaps high as a kite?), and Daniel just plain lost it. poor Michelle just got depressed. i think it would've been hard for me too, to see all the other designers go out and get all this inspiration and a fresh perspective from a new city while she got to stay in gloomy old New York. i just wanted to be all like "girl, get your shit together. they just gave you a second chance, so take it. don't sulk. kick ass and take names like the bad-ass bitch that you are."

while the designers were away, the drama was nil. it was a nice episode. all the contestants had to worry about was what they were going to do; and, because they had such little time in their city, they just drove around. the architecture of each city was the big inspiration for every designer, even Michelle. that is what a city has a lot of by car, buildings. what was fun to watch was how each designer bought their fabric from their city. watching them trying to communicate with people in a foreign country while trying to buy fabric was great. and having the added bonus of a money limit with the conversion of Dollars into Euros (or the Pound for our English travelers) was funny. watching Patricia deal with the French lady at the fabric shop was great.

so let's just jump in and talk about the designs:

Layana - her look was okay. it totally reminded me of something that Prince would wear. ha! the jacket is cute. the shirt is cute. putting them together just didn't work. all you see is a jacket and some ugly-ass sleeves. when you take away the jacket the shirt is cute, especially with the pants. but in having the jacket be the main focus, the look just looks old. the judges don't like this look at all, calling it old fashioned.

Michelle - i love this look. the breast plate is super cute and the back straps of it are fun and edgy. the dress is really cute too, i love how it has pockets. i just didn't like how she dyed the bottom of the skirt. it just made it look dirty. but besides that, the look kicked ass. and the judges like it.

Stanley - a cute dress. his details are just gorgeous. the zipper slit is amazing, and the lining peeking through the slit is beautiful. his eye for detail is amazing. and the judges like it, of course.

Patricia - i like her top, just not the shoulder part of her top. the textile that she made for the top was awesome, but the top does look a bit homemade crafty, which is a line that she treads often. i would say that the judges are half and half with her look. to think that she went to and was inspired by Paris and all she got from her time there was just this top, not enough.

Daniel - i love his look. his jacket is cute and modern and didn't look too bad for being pleather. his dress was really hip, and the skirt was super cute. he did an amazing job. the look was very modern and young, something that he struggles with a lot in his designing. i don't know if it was a combination of working with Amanda and having Berlin as his inspiration, but it worked. and the judges like his design.

since this was the last challenge before the final, the judges always ask why each designer should go to Fashion Week and who should go with them. i love this because i like to see who the other designers think are good too, and i was a bit surprised by some of the designers choices.

Stanley said Daniel and Michelle
Patricia said Michelle and Stanley
Layana said Michelle and Stanley
Daniel said Stanley and Michelle
Michelle said Stanley and Layana

it's pretty clear the top two favorite designer are Stanley and Michelle, and i agree. i find it funny that no one really thought about Layana, she just isn't as good as she thinks she is, and the other designers know it. and poor Patricia, no one really cares to see what she can do. i really think it's because we haven't seen anything from her, not really. she always sends down half-finished designs or revamped ideas because she bit off more than she could chew. i think with more time, what Patricia has to show us might blow us away. but maybe not.

the designers off to Fashion Week:
Stanley
Daniel
Michelle
Patricia

the designer out:
Layana

of course i've been waiting for this moment for a while. i think i wouldn't have minded seeing a show from her at Fashion Week, but she needed to go. i like how the judges were saying that she is just a ready-to-wear designer, not really a high fashion designer. i agree 100%.

Project Runway aired on Thursday nights on Lifetime.

(photos from Project Runway on myLifetime.com)

the boob tube: Project Runway s11 e11

where, oh, where has the time gone?

the boy informed me the other day that i still have five (FIVE!) Project Runway's recorded on our DVR. that's over 7 hours of valuable real estate taken up by Project Runway -- the Lifetime network is really good at milking this tv program, and the usually hour-long episode is drawn out to an hour-and-a-half (in an added bonus, the last three episodes have been drawn out to two hours). good thing i record this crap because that's a lot of commercials to sit through.

in a perfect world where i have my shit sorted out, this would've been finished by now -- i would've had each recap done the day after the show originally aired, but who are we kidding? in a perfect world i wouldn't already know who is the winner of season 11. i know who won so i'm dragging my feet on finishing up this season. however, i am dying to see where Layana gets eliminated. let's get this show on the road.

*spoilers! 

oh, the top five.
we have left standing: Stanley, Michelle, Patricia, Daniel and Layana. at this point, i really think Stanley and Michelle are the top designers, and i really would like to see them go all the way. i'd be happy with either of them as the winner. the other three are just so-so.

Daniel has had some great ideas and is an impeccable sewer, but his taste can be questionable every once in a while. sometimes he is missing the youth factor in his designs.

Patricia is just too big for this competition. she has some crazy-ass design ideas, and she can never execute them. she would be someone who could use a few days to work on these challenges instead of the day allowed. i feel we haven't seen what she is really capable of producing.

Layana, oh Layana. i'm not a huge fan of hers -- if you haven't been able to tell. i think her designs are just okay; nothing extraordinary that sticks out in my mind as something amazing but none of it is terrible. i feel that she always skirts by elimination (no pun intended), but she has the ego to tell you that she is the cat's meow.

this week's challenge is the editorial look for Marie Claire, a chance for the designers to have their design in print and worn by Jordana Brewster -- very prestigious. Nina has a long list of things she wants to see and not see -- pay attention designers. i love it when they don't listen to directions because how much more clearer does Nina need to be? what's also nice about this challenge is that the designers get to work on their own, finally. the show is bringing in help for this challenge in the form of past designers who have been eliminated. welcome back Richard, bring on the drama!

the pairs are:
Stanley and Tu
Michelle and Amanda
Daniel and Samantha
Layana and Kate
Patricia and Richard

no one wanted to work with Richard. poor Richard. everyone was freaking out about the possibility of being paired up with him again, and Patricia, the poor soul, got stuck with him. the look on her face was priceless when she was paired up with him because it doesn't help that they just worked with each other in the previous challenge, and it just about killed Patricia. i foresee someone's death. i love her quote, "i don't even remember how to pray anymore because of working with Richard last challenge." she's all out of prayers people! what's a girl to do? Richard just isn't up to Patricia's level technically, and Patricia has a hard time explaining what the fuck is going on in her head. this is a disaster waiting to happen, again.

what about Stanley? holy cow. he was insane. i felt really bad for Tu. i think at one point Stanley was yelling at Tu for smiling and laughing, basically breathing. i'm surprised that Tu was allowed bathroom and food breaks. good lord, Stanley is in it to win it for sure. i guess you miss these kind of things when the designers are working in teams and one having to be accountable for their actions towards their teammates on the runway. i liked Stanley when he wasn't all crazy and shit.

all in all, the other designers seemed to work smoothly with little drama. Daniel finished using Samantha and let her go help Patricia and Richard, what a guy! Layana thought her design was a gift from God. and Michelle didn't listen to directions. she didn't care because she thought she had the best design. it was a pretty kick ass design. however, when Nina said that she didn't want a t-shirt and jeans (pants) going down the runway and a t-shirt and pants is exactly what Michelle gave her, i think she might have a little problem.

let's talk about the designs:

Daniel - it's a whole lot of yellow and linen, really. all in all, the design is okay. i really liked the shorts and the jacket but not the two of them together. like the judges suggested, the jacket would've been nice with a soft flowing skirt. what's funny was it looked like Layana was going to vomit when this design when down the runway. little dramatic, aren't we Layana?

Layana - this was a nice design. i thought the leather could've been softened up a bit like Patricia mentioned, but that's just me personally. i liked the hard of the leather and the soft of the skirt together. very nicely done.

Michelle - i loved this look. i loved the t shirt and the leather trim. i loved that is was transparent and you could see the black bra underneath. loved it. i'm not a huge fan of the peg pant, but it worked here. Michelle has great taste, but she didn't follow directions. this could send her home, and i don't want her to go home.

Patricia - this was okay. it would've been nice to see what she intended to send down the runway but couldn't because she didn't have the proper help. i feel that is what happens a lot to Patricia's designs. she just bites off way more than she can chew. what she sent down the runway was just ordinary and poorly made.

Stanley - this was a cute design. the culottes kicked ass and the tank under the jacket was super cute. i just didn't like the jacket, mainly the color. but all in all this design was spot on and flawless, just like Stanley. good thing he rode Tu hard.

the winner: Stanley. no questions about it. his design was cute and fashion forward and perfect for Marie Claire and Jordana Brewster.

the loser: ??? no loser! what the fuck? actually i'm very glad about this because it was looking that it would be Michelle and i really think she is the best designer and because i know who the winner of the season is, of course Michelle can't be eliminated.

this episode ended with a "to be continued..." so it will be very exciting to see what will happen to Michelle next week. it looks like the designers are going to other countries for inspiration, wow! they spared no expense this season. i'm sure it's to say sorry to the contestants who made it this far for being stuck doing teams this entire season.

Project Runway aired on Thursday nights on Lifetime.

(photos from Project Runway on myLifetime.com)