How are you Feeling?

Really feeling?
Me? Not so great.
I'm all over the place these days--or in all actuality, these past few years. Goddess help us all or at least the hubs.



This getting older thing is a lot harder than I thought.
Maybe I'm having a midlife crisis? I'm pretty sure I'm having a midlife crisis.

I remember having my quarter-life crisis. I remember lying in my bed in Austin, having pretty much the same thoughts that I am having now. What the fuck am I doing? What should I be doing? What do I want to be? What is the point of it all? But I didn't do anything about these thoughts then. I just pushed them down into the dark pit of my soul. And drank.

I told myself, "You're young. You have your whole life in front of yourself. You'll figure it out." I think I thought I was going to get my life together. I was part of a group of ladies that wanted to start a business. Isn't that what adults do? Start businesses? That collapsed and left a gaping hole that I ignored. So, I guess I am due for my midlife crisis now. I think it's a little early, but I also think this move to LA pushed it forward. It doesn't help that I am on the cusp of premenopause, so there are a lot of emotions to unpack.

Wait a sec, I thought we were talking about feelings?

Don't get me wrong, I like LA. I do. I swear. This move pushed me to actually examine my life. Something I was able to ignore while living in Austin. Oh Austin, the Neverland that it is/was (not sure if it is still that way having been removed for almost 4 years now). Now I have to come to terms with my endless cycle of shit jobs and my inability to be happy. Except for the hubs, he makes me happy.

Am I tying my self-worth to my job du jour? Yes, because that is what us Americans do. But why am I doing this to myself? A job is a job is a job. I do not have a "career," so why am I putting so much onto a job?

Why does this all come back to employment?

I think up until now, we (the hubs and me) have been living in this cocoon where we have been selfish. We have chosen a life where we can do whatever we want whenever we want because we have nothing tying us down. And I get angry because I shouldn't be stuck in a situation where I want to kill myself. Our choices up until now have been tailored so that I don't have to worry about low-paying jobs. We have made decisions specifically so that I don't have to be stuck somewhere where I don't want to be. But here I am in an endless cycle I hate. Why am I so unhappy? What can I do to change this cycle?

Here come the feelings.
I feel stuck. Worthless. Lost. Helpless. Scared. Lonely. Tired.

I do not want to be a burden. On anyone. Maybe this is why I haven't sought out help yet. Maybe because I have done such a good job pushing down my feelings and figuring out how to cope on my own for so long that I thought I could work this out on my own. But I don't know if that is true any more. It scares me.

I feel like I fell into a dark pit and can't crawl back out. In the past, I've fallen into this pit and have been able to crawl back out. It was a struggle, I'd be covered in dirt, my nails caked with mud from clawing my way out, but today I just want to stay in the pit and ball up and cry. I want to give up, throw in the towel. I want the darkness to swallow me whole. I do not see anyway out.   

Is this where you're at too?

XO