Monday, October 10, 2016

That One Time I Nearly Lost My Mind




So I don't know if y'all have realize that the husband and I had made this big move last year. You surely had to have noticed, right?

Ha! I kid. 

It's all I've been talking about on this blog since we moved last year. Broken record right here. Get ready for some more scratching. 

It goes a little something like this.  

We saved up a shit ton of money. We quit our very decent paying jobs. We sold everything we owned. We packed up what little we had left and moved to California. We had nothing lined up for us once we arrived in Los Angeles except an AirBnB and a Public Storage unit. 

Prior to moving, when we told people of our plans, everyone was excited for us. We were doing something that most people would never do in a million years. Maybe the odd recent college or high school graduates who have very specific dreams of becoming something take the leap, but mid-to-late thirtysomethings doing this are rare. I don't have any studies to back me up here. Who knows, maybe a crap load of middle-aged adults do this every day. I'm guessing not. Anyways, I was very prideful of that - that the husband and I could just drop everything and follow a dream. Most sensible people, especially ones for the Midwest, would never do this. And I loved telling people of our plans and watching their reactions.

I was excited for the move. We were done with Austin, Texas. She gave us everything that she could, but we wanted more. 

Ideas were had. Plans were made. 

We were going to make this move, even if it was going to kill us. I was dead-set on it. I was doing some positive thinking. This was going to be easy. We had done a move like this once before and for the most part, it was relatively easy - from what I remember. The husband likes to remind me that when we did our move to Austin from Minneapolis it wasn't as easy as I like to remember. But I have a selective memory, so to me everything was rainbows and unicorns.

We made the move.

After the dust settled and the reality of what we did sank in, I started to lose it. When you have a small amount of money in savings with nothing else coming in, watching it slowly shrink is hard to swallow - it was for me. After weeks of applying for jobs with very little response back, it was beginning to take a toll on me. I was really hoping to change my career path, and I knew it wasn't going to be easy. I was expecting that. I was willing to start from the bottom again, but nothing was coming in. It was beginning to look like I was going to have to start from the beginning in the career that I had been doing for the past ten years. It fucks with you. It fucked with me. 

I became moody, angry, and extremely scared. My fucking emotions were all over the place. My highs were high, and my lows were insanely low. I cried all the time. I had never felt this way before in my life. (I'm sure I did when I was in high school because I was an emotional mess back then too, but I don't really remember. I have a terrible memory.) I was sad. I didn't want to do anything or be around anyone. I ate poorly and drank too much. I was tired all the time. Trying to find a job in this state is one of the worst experiences of my life. I had no confidence whatsoever. I was fucked. 

I tried to stay positive. Mainly because that is how I have learned to deal with my depression. I have never been diagnosed, and I think that has a lot to do with my parents. Back in High School during one of my summer physicals, my doctor noticed something off about me and asked my mother if he could give me some antidepressants. They were just samples pills, basically he wanted to try and see how they worked for me, but my mother said no and that I was fine. I remember her telling me in the car ride home that I shouldn't be taking pills like that or get the label of being depressed because everyone will treat you differently. 

I have learned how to deal with my depression. Back in my youth my main source of dealing with it all was journaling and a lot of positive thinking. I know that at times I probably need more but I don't go to the doctor. I usually figure it out. Talking it out helps too, usually with my husband or a few coworkers in the past - I think this is where my bad habit of gossiping comes in to play. I have leaned to cope, probably unhealthily, but it's what I've done.

Last fall was extremely hard. 

After trying to find a job for weeks, I found one that seemed promising, for the time being. But with my emotions all out of whack, it was hard to fit in especially with a couple of the employees. I felt like I was in middle school again, and the mean girls were ganging up on me. I truly felt like I was thirteen, and it fucks with you. I was paranoid, and I hated every thing. I just wanted to quit, but we needed the money and the health insurance. It has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. 

Every morning I dreaded going into work. I could break down in tears at any second while riding the Metro Train to work. I remember thinking to myself "I wonder what people saw when they looked at me?" I must've looked miserable. When I look back, I don't know how I survived it. Truly, I don't. I did a lot of emailing to myself, saying that I could make it through the day. And again, my unhealthy self-medication with a drink at the end of the day was what I would look forward to. 

am beginning to slip back into my depression. I am tired all the time. I am angry. I just don't want to do anything. I think a lot of the problem is my hatred for my job and that I just don't know what I want any more. I am floating aimlessly, and I cannot grab a hold of anything.

Like everything in life, this all shall pass. It reminds me of that ad campaign: It gets better. Eventually it does, but when you are in the thick of it, it feels like it will never end. Slowly, I will get my shit together. I have to have a little faith in myself. Writing helps. I did it when I was in high school, and I hope it will help now. I am still at that job. It is manageable now, but I am ready to leave whenever the time is right.        

I am just glad that last fall hasn't left a sour taste in my mouth for this city. I am still happy we made this move. It has been hard, and it will continue to be hard for awhile, but I feel it is worth it. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, right?

XO

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