Tuesday, August 13, 2013

my lack of self-discipline and how it's ruining my life

oh self-discipline, how i miss thee.

all summer, i've been telling myself how i want to write more on this blog. or how i want to walk more or exercise (at all) when i get home from work. or how i want to take it easy on the ice cream because two helpings of ice cream a day will certainly kill me. or how i want to read more because i am extremely behind on my reading goal for this year. my list of wants goes on and on, yet i've accomplished nothing. 

i keep on blaming my lazy life on being just that, lazy. i keep thinking to myself that maybe i'm even a little bit depressed. sure, i had a small bout of depression in January but i feel like i got over that in the spring. i keep telling myself that surly this inability to accomplish anything is a side effect of being depressed; again. but i'm not feeling depressed. work is going surprisingly well, my personal life is kicking some ass -- an upcoming European vacation and a winter wedding in the works -- it all has kept me occupied and happy. so if i'm not depressed, why can't i get shit done?

then it dawned on me. i have no self-discipline. none.

where i used to have self-discipline oozing out of my pores, i now have none. maybe i spent all of the self-discipline i built when i was an athletic teen. years and years of schooling followed by after-school activities and sporting teams. years and years of coaches and teammates, of someone depending on me. followed then by years of college and having to get shit done -- even if i was less dedicated, i still had teachers to impress and grades to be earned. but since i've been out of school and on my own for the past 13ish years, all the self-discipline that i'd built up is gone. i would say that this last year i used up the last bit of it. 

now i am desperate to re-teach myself self-discipline -- when i was learning it in my youth through sports and schooling i didn't think i really knew what i was learning and how useful of a tool it would be. the other day i did the whole google search thing; searching "self-discipline" and "learning self-discipline". i came across a lot of people in the same boat as me. who'd have thunk it? a few of the web articles i scanned -- because i don't have time to actually read these articles -- linked happiness to people having self-discipline. so right there, my idea of being depressed could be nipped in the bud with some self-discipline. i just blow my mind sometimes.

one helpful web article i came across from the blog Penelope Trunk suggested that if i have self-discipline in one small area of my life it will create a snowball effect and could lead to being discipline in other areas of my life. for some reason that advice just clicked for me. it totally makes sense.

i have a goal. it is to go on a walk everyday after work. something small and simple. if i want to jog, i can, but this is just a simple walk. i notice that this walk then gets the gears going in my life. usually on my walks, i come up with ideas that i either walk to blog about or ideas for stories. and this walk helps with exercise and my eating choices. i can see the snowball effect. love it!

up until now, my life has been in shambles -- it sounds melodramatic and really hasn't been that bad; but when you get complacent in areas of your life where you never thought you wanted to be, you just kind of give up. these past few years have been a long period of me giving up. i'm in a job that i enjoy but has no forward progress -- or the movement forward available is not where i want to go -- and i know that at some point i wont be able to physically do my job anymore. i kind of painted myself into a corner, and it's scary. but realizing i want to do something else gives hope. unfortunately having the discipline to go after it is hard to find, especially if you've lost said self-discipline.

whoa. i just went really heavy. i got to bring this back to something light.

so, let's just work on walking. every day after work. easy. i can do it. xoxo.          

(photos taken from around my apartment)